The documentary *OpenClaw Qigong* premieres today.

"The Aluminum Pot Claw Launch Event"

The lobster hype events have been coming thick and fast lately. We figured we'd be doing our hype-loving readers a disservice if we didn't throw one ourselves.

Last Friday, we teamed up with Beating to host a gathering called the "Lobster Auction Conference," making every member of the Zang AI family a true heir to the lobster. After pulling it off, we distilled eight essential principles for running a lobster hype event, which we're now sharing gratis with all you AI self-media editors out there. Meanwhile, our friend Director Bukuro brought his ancestral DV camera, recording and shooting on the fly throughout the event, then cutting together a documentary so cult it demands to be watched start to finish, no skipping.

1. Pack it with liberal arts majors

Counterintuitively, the key to a successful lobster hype event isn't loading up on technical professionals — one or two for garnish is plenty. Too many knowledgeable people, and the whole charade falls apart. So the move is to invite more first-time AI users. All those "liberal arts hackathons" and lobster meetups? Same playbook. We applied this principle during our audience screening phase, politely rejecting everyone working on AI teams at the BAT giants while greenlighting all our fellow humanities grads.

The guy on the far right even went to a second-tier college. With a crowd like this, even if the event itself had zero substance, organizers and attendees alike would walk away feeling thoroughly nourished.

2. The audience must be susceptible to getting "heady"

After systematically studying all the viral lobster events on the market, we discovered that getting "heady" (上头) is crucial. Mentally heady: spirits high, emotions charged, slogans thunderous — seated they're a mob, standing they're a rabble, the whole thing trending toward Bakhtinian carnival. Physically heady: specifically, wearing lobster hats on your head, recreating the qigong craze of the '80s and '90s. We went straight back to basics. No lobster hats — we handed every attendee an aluminum pot and forced them to balance it on their heads, making headiness a way of life. A few delivery drivers passed by the door and didn't dare come in.

To future lobster hype event organizers: get creative. The lobster hat thing is getting played out.

3. No human speech allowed

The fine tradition of AI hypesters not speaking human language finds its most demented expression in the lobster hype track. We don't say "update," we say "evolve." We don't say "lobsters going online," we say "Web 4.0." We don't say "bet," we say "destined to prevail"... Basically, pick whatever nobody understands. Invent new terms rather than use old ones. Speak non-human whenever possible. We took this further: at our event, we didn't just avoid human speech — we didn't let anyone speak at all. All audience communication had to flow through the high-tech hardware on their heads (a.k.a. the Aluminum Pot Claw) via brainwaves. This might be Web 8.0.

Some people did secretly speak human later. We forgave their devolution.

4. Claim the lobster is integrated with something

The most anticipated segment of any lobster hype conference is the product launch. And lobster ecosystem products are refreshingly simple — no wrapper needed, just connect. Hook it up to a social app and you've invented a new product. Edison was a fool to pretend he invented the lightbulb. We went a step further, inviting a professional Taoist priest, @Meng Yuanjing, to explain how to integrate lobsters with the Heavenly Court.

After deeply studying the intimate connection between AI and the primordial spirit, the audience couldn't help but cry out: "Lobster, activate."

5. Unilaterally announce world-shaking transformations

Phenomenal lobster hype events are often accompanied by breaking news: "The era of lobster-raising for all is here." "The Lobster White Paper drops with seismic force." "The Web 3.0 era is already over." "If you don't become a company of one now, your whole family is finished." We kept pace with the trends, asking our professional Taoist a question that's long plagued AI circles: How exactly should "token" be translated in Chinese? His answer:

Someone notify those AI media outlets — the race to trademark this begins now.

6. Suddenly start issuing coins

For reasons unclear, lobster hype events and crypto are joined at the hip. I've always felt it would be perfectly normal for organizers to suddenly drop a LobsterCoin. To simulate that big-crypto-energy of money raining from the sky, we built in multiple coin-distribution moments. For instance, we performed a slightly-original Lobster Dance live, and the audience member who kept dancing longest received a red envelope personally issued by Xianyu. The most traditional form of issuing coins. Let's just say, dancing along to this in public isn't easy.

7. Desperately clout-chase industry celebrities

With lobster hype events sprouting everywhere, the easiest differentiation tactic is to bait a famous person into showing up. We considered Justin Sun. We reached out to Sam Altman. Ultimately, constrained by budget, we only invited teacher Luo Yihang — who, to avoid attending, deliberately kept himself abroad. No matter. We set up a live competition: find Luo's photo, carefully hidden among 1,000 copyright-free faces. Winner gets coins.

Someone found it in ten seconds flat. Strongly suspect they used Doubao.

8. Prove humanity has lost to trigger anxiety and FOMO

Though we've yet to spot anyone in our circles getting rich off lobsters, proving that humans are about to be immediately, instantly replaced by lobsters remains essential for any lobster hype event. So we staged several man-machine battles rivaling Ke Jie vs. AlphaGo, attempting to induce anxiety and FOMO in every attendee, laying groundwork for them to later purchase our ¥399 lobster home-installation service. The result? The lobster's output was both perfunctory and expensive. The human's output was both exquisite and alive.

One human warrior, tuning out the chaos around her, spent 20 minutes building her resume

Then presented it on stage. It's over. The lobster lost. It's over...

9. Allow ample social time to relieve anxiety and FOMO

Anyone with eyes knows the sole purpose of lobster hype events is socializing. So when our event hit an awkward lull midway and we just opened it up to free mingling, that was actually a feature, not a bug. This magnificent act of agenda-setting留白 [intentional blank space] gave attendees abundant time to network, relieving anxiety and FOMO through the ritual of exchanging WeChats.

Yes, all by design. See you at our next event.

Creative support: @看驴感觉真可怜 Photo support: Sister Di Venue support: Biede Box

(This article's cover image was generated by ChatGPT; the text is purely human-written)

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