We have decided to declare war on lobsters on behalf of all humanity.

"The First Lobster Auction Convention"

Sorry, after roasting lobsters for several posts straight, the Funeral AI editorial team is yanking the steering wheel hard and becoming the most shameless lobster-bandwagoner in all of AI hype. We've teamed up with Beating and @KanLvGanJueZhenKeLian to host a Lobster Auction Convention, where we'll crown the greatest lobster on Earth. We cordially invite all lobster believers across China to join us in person.

Here's how the auction works:

1. We'll release several tasks at the event. Anyone can bid on them and execute them, just like day-laborer bros.
2. Meanwhile, we'll also fire up Openclaw to tackle the same tasks.
3. If you beat Openclaw to the finish line, do a better job than Openclaw, and your bid is lower than what Openclaw burned in tokens — you get paid.
4. Whoever completes the most tasks / earns the most money wins a mystery prize.

That's right — you're the human lobster up for auction. This event is a head-to-head value comparison between you and Openclaw. We're trying to figure out: who's the cheapest, most cost-effective wage slave? Is it Openclaw itself, burning through tens of thousands of tokens per second? Is it a vocational college student making 3,000 RMB as an intern? Or is it the programmers and ops folks pulling unpaid overtime at Haidian's big tech campuses?

If you're a lobster defender, come to the event and charge into battle for your synthetic idol 🔪

If you're a lobster hater, you should come even more — clash with the lobster head-on and demonstrate carbon-based superiority 🤓

Either way, good times guaranteed.

Of course, our event is way more than just an auction 🤡

While the big tech companies are busy researching cloud lobsters, entrepreneurs are desperately slapping lobster hardware together, and media folks are throwing lobster parties left and right — we haven't been sitting idle either.

The Funeral AI editorial team has developed not one, not two, but three epoch-making lobster products: one hardware and two software, which we'll unveil during the event and invite you to test-drive with us.

The specific features are still under wraps, but we can promise this: in both appearance and functionality, these are absolutely world-first, mind-blowing debuts. They don't resemble any existing AI startup product, and no AI entrepreneur could have conceived of them.

We can also promise: the interaction design is absolutely the most unhinged, most reality-warping possible. By using our products, you will achieve the closest possible connection to the Lobster God.

Please note: this event is not welcome to serious people or technical experts. Your minds have already atrophied; you cannot comprehend our postmodern product design and Web 8.0 interaction paradigms.

On the flip side, if collective performance art with sacred objects perched on your head sounds like your kind of thing — we're ready to meet you halfway.

This event is capped at 50 people. Register ASAP.

Event Details:

Time: March 27, 2026 (this Friday), 8:00–9:00 PM

Location: Chaowai, Chaoyang District, Beijing (exact address provided after registration)

Bring your laptop or other productivity tools. This event will be recorded, with highlight videos to follow.

(Cover image designed by humans. Purely human-written.)

🎷 Subscribe to our Substack 🎸

funeralai.substack.com